Kantoi! Busted!

Dear readers,

The Lone Grey Squirrel has been distracted by the abundance of nuts in dire need of burying and so cannot be with you at this time.  However, always seeking a way to better serve the community, Lone Grey Squirrel has asked his friend and cultural linguist to do a guest spot and post an educational post.  Enjoy and learn.

‘allo ladies and gents,

Perfessor Squirrel McNutts here, at your service.  You may remember me from when I reported back from my expedition to the jungles of Malaysia almost two years ago (Field Report on Manglish).  At that time, I gave an introduction to the lingua franca of the region which is an odd concoction of  English, Malay, Indian and Chinese dialects or Manglish (which is a technical term used by us experts).   Now using a modern scientific methodology called “Youtube” I have been recently successful in capturing more of this Manglish.

In the video below, a Malaysian singer and recording artiste, Zee Avi, sings a sad love story.  To my knowledge, it is the only song sung in Manglish that has ever been recorded (but then my knowledge is admittedly quite limited).  Nevertheless, I hope this will help you appreciate Manglish and even learn a phrase or two.  And to kill three birds with one stone, the song has even a moral.  See if you can guess what the moral of the story is by the time you get to the end of this post.

The song’s name is “Kantoi” which means “Busted!”

ORIGINAL MANGLISH

Semalam I call you, you tak answer
You kata you keluar pergi dinner
You kata you keluar dengan kawan you
But when I called Tommy he said it wasn’t true

So I drove my car pergi Damansara
Tommy kata maybe you tengok bola
Tapi bila I sampai, you tak ada
Lagilah I jadi gila!

So I called and called sampai you answer
You kata, ‘Sorry, sayang. Tadi tak dengar.
My phone was on silent, I was at the gym.”
Tapi latar belakang suara perempuan lain.

Sudahlah, sayang, I don’t believe you
I’ve always known that your words were never true
Why am I with you? I pun tak tahu
No wonderlah my friends pun tak suka you

So I guess that’s the end of our story
Akhir kata she accepted his apology
Tapi last-last kita dapat tahu she was cheating too
With her ex-boyfriend’s best friend…
Tommy…

Kantoi

ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Last night I called you but you did not answer
You had said that you were going out for dinner
You had said that you were going out with your friend
But when I called Tommy he said it wasn’t true

So I drove my car to look for you in Damansara (a suburb of Kuala Lumpur)
Tommy suggested that you were watching soccer at a sports bar
But when I got there, well, you weren’t there
So all the more, I got annoyed
So I called and called until finally you answered your phone
You said, ‘Sorry, darling.  But I did not know that you were calling
My phone was on silent, I was at the gym.”
yet in the background I could hear some hussy’s voice.

Enough is enough, “sweetheart”,  I don’t believe you
I’ve always known that your words were never true
Why am I with you? Even I don’t know
No wonder my friends don’t like you

So I guess that’s the end of our story
Eventually she accepted his apology
But wait, the latest gossip is that she was cheating too
With her ex-boyfriend’s best friend…
Tommy…

Busted!

MORAL of the Story:  Don’t piss off women songwriters or you may be immortalised in song and not in a good way (remember Taylor Swift’s boyfriends).

What She Said

I have mentioned before that my wife suffers from malapropism when I wrote about “possessed foods“.   The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines malapropism as “the usually unintentionally humorous misuse or distortion of a word or phrase; especially : the use of a word sounding somewhat like the one intended but ludicrously wrong in the context”.

Here are just a few more examples from my wife’s growing portfolio, only she also exchanges words with words of similar meaning but still incorrect in the context;

1.  “I wonder how he survives.  It seems that most times, he is living foot to mouth.”

2.  “Was there a Chinese Emperor that did not have his porcupines?”

3.  “There is an ache at the foot of my toe.”

4.  “That’s the only suggestion that I can make off the top of my tip.”

5.  “We are living a cemetery livestyle.”

 

Just in case you couldn’t figure it out what she meant, hear are some clues;

1. foot = hand

2. porcupines = concubines

3. foot = base

4. tip = head

5. cemetery = sedentary

 

 

UB

• Roman Script on Ulaanbaatar’s Train Station

Mongolian Cyrillic - a Bolshevik Legacy

Mongolian Script

This post is being crafted on a cold October night in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.

Before going to Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia, I read a number of posts on the internet by travelers who had been there.  Most enjoyed their time in Ulaanbaatar but there were also warnings about the food, the traffic, the road conditions, the pickpockets, the air pollution etc., which made me a little anxious.  Some of those warnings were indeed true but others may have been a bit exaggerated by the travelers in the same way that some women like to exaggerate how long they were in labor to deliver their kids ( I hope this comment will not stir up a hornets’ nest).

Anyway, here are  10 things  that I have learned;

1. Locals call it UB
2. The air is visibly brown, full of dust and smells like petrol (that’s gas for all you Americans) fumes.  My hotel forbids the opening of windows because smokers complain about the smoke from outside.
3. Meat looms big in Mongolian diets.  At restaurants, you are usually given a choice of what meat to accompany your order of meat.  In one place, there was a platter where you could eat beef, mutton, camel and horse meat all on one large plate.  All this meat is making me constipated.  It’s a wonder that Mongolians don’t all suffer from gout.
4. I have seen the madness that is the traffic in places like Mumbai and Bangkok but I crown UB as the King (or Khan) of mad road behaviour.   If in Mumbai and Bangkok, they frequently break traffic rules (like going the wrong way round a roundabout or traffic circle), in UB, it seems they have never heard of traffic rules.  There are few traffic lights but even when they are there, neither pedestrian or car pays any heed.  The number of people weaving their way through speeding traffic is the same no matter what color the traffic light is.  Vehicles stop wherever they want including in the middle of busy roads.  Somewhat surprisingly, everyone seems to survive.
5. Some say that it is faster to walk in UB than drive because of the traffic but it isn’t easy walking either (see point 4 above about crossing roads).  Only the main roads have pavements and most of those are full of cracked paving stones and the occasional missing manhole covers.  Mostly there is just uneven ground instead of sidewalks and this must become a muddy quagmire if it rains or snows.
6. UB is very good at conserving energy.  They fail to have streetlights on most streets and they see no need to light up the stairs in buildings.
7. The lack of lights in the stairwells is a very pertinent point as most buildings do not have lifts.  Although there is a boom going on now with many new buildings being constructed, the majority of UB consists of rundown, soulless Soviet style buildings from the 1970s.
8. I also learned that it is very hard to find toilets if you don’t read Mongolian Cyrillic.
9. Speaking of Mongolian Cyrillic, I am so impressed that many Mongolians can converse in Mongolian, Russian and English.  It’s not just that they know three languages but they have to know three different scripts (as demonstrated in the photos above – Ulaanbaatar as it is written in each of the three scripts).
10. Mongolians are ever so very, very, very super friendly people.  They are great.

 

Asking the Bleeding Obvious

Had a Bad Day?

There is a curious social behaviour that occurs here in Malaysia especially amongst the Chinese.  It is a phenomena that I can best describe as, “asking the bleeding obvious.”

Let me give you a few examples.  Say that you are eating dinner at a local restaurant when a friend happens to come by your table.  He might say, “Eating, eh?”

Or you might be at the department store’s annual sale with your arms full of over-flowing shopping bags when you run into your aunt and she says, “Shopping, ah?”

Or yet another scenario where you are at the supermarket with a shopping cart in tow and you are testing the firmness of the apples on display when an acquaintance might pass by and say, “Grocery shopping?”

That’s what I mean by “asking the bleeding obvious” and sometimes when I encounter such a query, I feel this dark primal urge boiling up from within me to say something sarcastic.  I am too polite to actually say it but boy, do I think it!

“No, no.  I ‘m not eating.  I am just curious to see how much food I can cram into my mouth.”

“Shopping? Oh,no.  Just shoplifting as usual.”

“Oh, I’m not buying anything.  I just like polishing apples while pushing a fully loaded grocery cart.  It’s better than joining a gym.”

Anyway, I had a real strange conversation with my local car mechanic just recently and it went something like this…..

Mechanic:  “Are you here to see me?”

Me: “Yes” (my sarcastic thought: “Yeah, especially since there is no one else here or do you have an invisible friend?”)

Mechanic: “Something wrong with your car?”

Me: “Yes” (my sarcastic thought: “Why would you think that? Actually I would like your help to pull out all my rotten teeth.”)

Me: “One of the license plate numbers has fallen off.”

Mechanic: “So you want that I replace that missing number?”

Me: “Yes.” (my sarcastic thought: “No, I would like to put up a Missing Poster for the return of that number.”)

Mechanic: “So where did you lose the number?” (well, I was stumped but at least it wasn’t asking the bleeding obvious.)

The Devil Made Me Eat It

My wife and I were lounging around last weekend doing some reading when she looked up from the article that she was reading and said, “We really ought to try harder to avoid possessed foods.”

Avoid “possessed foods”?  Well, you will get no argument from me on that.

Possessed Food (from http://www.maplespice.com/2009/10/creepy-halloween-food.html)

But actually, my wife suffers from malapropism and what she really meant was “processed foods”.

From time to time, this affliction surfaces and some strange and often funny concoction of words will proceed out from my wife.  Some of her pronouncements make me laugh so much that tears stream from my eyes.  Regrettably, I have failed to record these malapropism gems and cannot recall many that she has said.  However, there are a few that I can still recall.

For example, there was the time when my wife encouraged me to “think outside the closet”.  She meant “box”.

And then, there was the time, just recently when she complained about her aching feet and asked me to massage the “foot of her toe”.   The more conventional amongst you would refer to that spot as the “base of the toe”.

And while my wife seems to think that I should avoid “possessed foods”, a friend of mine who is also a sufferer of the ailment, once suggested that I should eat more “orgasmic foods” instead.

However, I too am not immune from this sort of thing.  On one memorable occasion, I was being introduced to a student from the island nation of Barbados.  I shook his hand heartily and said, “You are the first Barbarian that I have ever met.”

Do any of you have similar tongue in a twist examples to share?

What Do They Mean ………?

“What DO they mean?” I came across this advertisement panel at my local shopping mall promoting a men’s skin care facility. Another service for the enlightened metro-sexual male, no doubt. It even offers a facial and a tummy sculpting for the price of one procedure. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I could probably do with some tummy sculpturing but in my case, the end result will probably still not resemble hard and clearly chiseled sculpture abs like
that of Michelangelo’s David; probably more like the abs on the Pilsbury Doughboy. But what really caught my attention was there pledge, boldly emblazoned across the advert, “Looking Good is Not an Option at MSC”. Whatever DO they mean?

So, I may not be a hunk but at least I am cute.

Yes? Maybe? A little? Please?

Anyway, it got me thinking of a few examples of other similar failures to communicate appropriately in the English Language.

A common sign that you will see in Malaysian retail stores during our sales season reads, “Buy one free one”. I remember one foreign tourist asking the sales clerk to explain; “If it is free, why do I have to buy it?” The intended message would be clearer if it said “Two for the price of one.”

Sometimes, you can’t be 100% sure that there was a mistake made or that the sign really does mean what it says. When the Petronas Twin Towers (previously the world’s tallest building) first opened to the public, not all the lifts and escalators were fully operational. On one such lift which was meant to ferry visitors from the underground carpark up to the lobby was this sigh that read, “Lift is out of order. Any convenience is deeply regretted.”

What do you think? A language error or the work of a sadistic maintenance worker?

Another favorite of mine was a sign at a teachers’ training workshop which read like this; “After lunch, the Modern Maths workgroup will meet in the larger half of the hall.”

The “larger half”? Is that what they mean by “modern” maths or is it that mathematics is finally reconciling itself to the fact that in this world, the reality is that all people are equal but some are more equal than others?

Space Opera

No one will ever mistakenly accuse me of being high-browed and cultured. I certainly don’t track with the black tie penguin suits of high society. Sadly, this extends beyond my lack of interest in participating in the extravagant social rituals of the aristocracy and my lack of money to pursue them. I genuinely do not seem to know how to enjoy or appreciate some of the things that are adored by this set. For example, I do not see the fuss made about foie gras. Please, it’s liver! Apart from the debate about whether it is ethical to force feed the ducks to get the fatty liver which is made into foie gras (in humans, a fatty liver is medically a diseased liver), I never liked eating my liver and onions and hiding what it is behind a foreign (non-English) name still does not hide its intense liver taste.

Another thing that brands me solidly as a Philistine squirrel is my lack of appreciation of opera. Wikipedia says that “Opera is an art form in which singers and musicians perform a dramatic work combining text (called a libretto) and musical score. The word opera means “work” in Italian (it is the plural of Latin opus meaning “work” or “labour”) suggesting that it combines the arts of solo and choral singing, declamation, acting and dancing in a staged spectacle.” Hmmm. Well, that just sounds like a musical just like “West Side Story” or “Phantom of the Opera” but in a different language (just like the foie gras case).

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love the modern musical. I just don’t understand why people pay top dollar, get dressed to the nines and go an see a musical which tells a story in a foreign language that I can only understand from reading the souvenir program which I have to purchase separately at an extortionist rate.

It probably did not help that my early introduction to Opera was something from Wagner’s Ring Cycle based on German and Norse mythology. It is of course sung in German, and as I remember it, sung by big women wearing fake blond wigs with pig-tails, armoured breasts (like Madonna’s) and horned helmets. Even one of its more famous songs, “The Ride of the Valkyries”, made no sense to me in German. It only became a song that I could really appreciate when it was used in a media that I could appreciate; and that was as the song “Kill the Wabbit” sung by Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny. Now who said Saturday morning cartoons cannot be educational!

However, if Elmer and Bugs helped me to begin to understand opera, the one performance that really opened my eyes to the true wonders and possibility of Opera was the stunning performance of the Albanian songstress, Inva Mula Tchako, who was the voice behind the character Diva Plavalaguna in the movie “The Fifth Element“. In it she sings an aria from Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor (the mad scene), and “The Diva dance” song. I may still not understand the language but the way it is presented certainly helped me appreciate it. Allow me to share this song with you. For those serious Philistines like me, try to hang on till at least the 3.28 minute mark when a transformation occurs.

Menu for Illusion Only

It’s Friday night. To celebrate, my wife and I went to have dinner at a Hong Kong style Restaurant which we had not been to for awhile. After struggling through the heavy Friday evening traffic, it felt wonderful to be seated at the table, sipping Chinese tea and looking at the large menu.

And then, I found my self staring at the menu. Staring, staring and then laughing. The menu was mostly in Chinese but they were also considerate enough to include an English translation and there is where the fun started. Here are some of the gems:-

“The pictures are only for illusion only.”

“The food comes complete with ingredients”

“Like hero and beautiful woman,
good food goes with good wine.
We recommend our corn no saur wine.”“Try our fresh lazy river fish.”

In honor of such literary brilliance, I offer the following other jewels for your reading pleasure. 

I know Chinese have a reputation of eating anything but cowboys and germs……..really?
And here’s a bonus picture. When you don’t know what it is called, just stick with what you know.

An Introduction to Bollywood Movies

I understand that a certain movie filmed in Mumbai, India has made it big time in Hollywood and is really making waves. I refer of course to the Oscar winning movie, Slumdog Millionaire. Now I have not seen this movie yet but I am not unfamiliar with Indian movies. In fact, I understand that Hollywood and Bollywood plan to increase collaborating on more movies.

So on the verge of a Bollywood invasion of Hollywood, I have decided to provide a public service by preparing the world for this up-coming cultural treat. Don’t worry if you are unfamiliar with Indian culture or the Hindi language. I have selected two videos of Indian movies’ famous dance sequences. With the help of subtitles prepared by Bufflax, you will find that these movies are really quite
attainable and enjoyable.

Just in case, you will find the first video a little too much of a culture shock and unfamiliar, I have included the second video which is an Indian adaptation of the musicvideo “Thriller”. So at least that will be somewhat familiar.

This is a public service for world peace and understanding. No thanks needed. Enjoy.

Smashing Thoughts

It is clear from her blog, DutchCorner, that Marja is a brave and passionate woman, especially in her concern for children welfare in general and for those with learning difficulties specifically. She is also a very good promoter of the blogging community, so do go visit and learn about what is happening in her corner. Just to confuse matters, her corner of the world is actually New Zealand. Intrigued? Confused? Drop in on her blog and all will be clear.

Recently, Marja celebrated her 10,000th visitor and she was also given the “Brilliant Weblog Premio 2008″ Award. All the denizens of this Realm send their congratulations to Marja on her twin achievements.

On that special occasion, in typically generous fashion, she celebrated by giving out some awards of her own, which is how the Lone Grey Squirrel came to get his grubby paws on the “Smashing Blog” Award. Many thanks, Marja.

This squirrel was mesmerised by the pretty award for most of the day. You might be familiar with this look…….it is the same when a squirrel’s eyes are caught in a car’s headlights. When I was finally able to stop staring at the bright light, I did what comes naturally to inquisitive squirrels; I asked, “What does ‘Smashing’ mean?”

According to the Merriam-Webster On-line Dictionary, smashing can either mean 1. crushing (as in, smashing defeat) or 2. extraordinarily impressive (as in, smashing performance). Squirrels are more familiar with the first meaning as in the case of “smashing nuts” to get to the goodies inside but I am hoping that the award refers to the second meaning. Here it is again, this schizophrenic nature of the English language where either the same word can mean completely different things or different and opposite words can mean the same thing.

So we find that when something is good, it is “cool” but it could also be “hot”. It is cool to be driving a hot car but the hot chick can still give you the cold shoulder which just isn’t cool, dude.

I heard this recently and I thought it also illustrates this point well; “How can you tell that you have grown old? You tell you best friend that you are having an affair and he asks who is the caterer.”

Then there is the use of the same or similar word twice to reverse the meaning. Actually this is apparently true of many languages, where a double negative gives a positive. For example, “He would not disagree.” means “He agreed”. A professor of English is said to have given a class on this very topic recently and he said that many languages have this “double negative equals positive rule” but though some languages also have the reverse which is that “double positive equals negative”, that is not the case in the English language. There was silence initially as his students scribbled down their notes but then a voice from the back of the lecture hall said, “Yeah, right!”

Ah, English…….she is always evolving. Isn’t it simply smashing? (and I mean both meanings of the word).