Dear readers, it seems like that commercially exploited and artificially fabricated day to celebrate romance is just a few sunsets away. I refer of course to the over-esteemed Valentine’s Day. When this inquisitive squirrel tried to research the origins of Valentine’s Day and its connection to romance, the trail was confusing and obscure.
One theory was that St. Valentine married Roman soldiers and their girlfriends in contradiction to the Emperor’s order that his soldiers remain single. One other story speak of a pagan ritual to ensure fertility and to allow boys to chose their wives by ballot. Hardly romantic by today’s standard but may be the start of the Valentine’s Days traditions.
The history of Valentine’s Day cards are however extensively documented but not really interesting other than it proves that much of our lives is under the control of marketing and PR executives.
Ah, but even this grumpy old squirrel must admit that at this time of the year (spring, that is. I am not sure how this works for you folks in the southern hemisphere), young hearts seem to naturally turn to thoughts of love. Last year, I tried to give some good advice about love and was rewarded by one sympathetic comment in which the writer offered his condolences for my sad status as the “lone” grey squirrel. Well, I am actually happily married…..thank you very much!
Nevertheless, this year I have spared no expense (except my special stash of 2005 walnuts….it was a good year) to bring you advice from a professional. I know him as Bob but he is also known as Dr. Love by his people. Enjoy and be enlightened. Squirrel out.
Greetings readers! My name is Aikenvoodoo-U Cassanova Lovelace the Great. I am the great witch doctor from deepest and darkest Namibia. I have served the love needs of my people for many years. My voodoo doll and toothpick treatment is so much more effective than Viagra.
My friend, the grey squirrel, asked me to give you some advice about romance for Valentine’s Day. It was wise of the squirrel to get professional help when some issues are beyond his small brain.
In case you think that a traditional witch doctor knows little about love in the modern world, I must tell you that I am married to a British woman. I still remember the first time I went to U.K. with my wife after our marriage. Her mother was there at the airport to greet us. My wife told me her mother was not enthusiastic about the fact that I am a Witch Doctor but when she saw me for the first time, she said to my wife, “I said to marry a rich doctor. A RICH doctor!” I do not like to boast but I have 12 cattle and 20 goats. I am the richest man in my village. Love you too, mumsy-in-law.
But I digress. Advice for Valentine’s Day follows.
1. Chocolates: –
Many of you palefaces seem to think that chocolates is a good thing to give to your girlfriend. No! This is big mistake. Chocolate contains phenylethylamine or PEA which is a powerful love chemical. This is the chemical that stimulates the pleasure centres of the mesolimbic region in the brain and it peaks during orgasm. Therefore, it is not surprising that 50% of women say they prefer chocolate than sex and most women find dark chocolate more satisfying than passionate kissing. So, if you give chocolates to your girl, she will take them, say thank you very much and have fun without you. Before you know it, you will be as a “lone” as the grey squirrel.
This may seem to be a great thing to give your girl. For reasons, even I do not know, the women like this. However, you must first check which flower is suitable. I am not saying whether she likes the flower but more importantly does she have hay fever or allergies to the flowers. Flowers have pollen and many people are allergic to pollen.
Imagine this. You give her flowers. She smiles and puts the flowers next to her nose and breathes in deeply to enjoy the smell. She says thank you but before she can even kiss you, she starts sneezing, her eyes turn red, snot dribbles out of her nose and her lips swell until they look like sausages. Hmmmmm. Not a pretty sight except for the sausages.
To avoid this, you could try a skin sensitivity test. This involves scratching the skin and testing the pollen samples on different spots along the arm. This will help you rule out the offensive flowers as those spots will swell and become itchy. You might think it would be difficult to get your girl to voluntarily go through this but use your cunning. For me, I tell them I am using acupuncture to make them more beautiful but then I am a licensed witch doctor.
Maybe this year is going to be that special year that you want to propose to your girl and you are thinking about a diamond ring to seal the bond. You have been brainwashed by phrases like “Diamonds are forever” and “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”
Diamonds are forever what? More than likely, they are forever a debt you have to pay off. They are ridiculously priced for tiny stones. I tell you what is forever, …..toxic waste! I don’t see anyone paying top dollar to wear that!
Diamonds are a girl’s friend when you think about it is not a good reason to get her any when what you want is to be her best friend. Diamonds are just a competing distraction.
I suggest that you get her coal. Yes, coal. Coal is chemically the same substance as diamonds. They are both made out of carbon atoms. However for the money spent to buy a tiny speck of a diamond, you can get lorry loads of coal……..now that’s value for money and coal is so useful, you can use it for cooking, cleaning water, and removing poisonous gases amongst other things. Women in my village do not understand this when I explain it to them but do not worry, your women are well educated. They can understand the logic of these truths.
I think in the end what I am trying to say is that do not put your trust in presents. These are not the things that women look for. No, they look for a sincere heart. And nothing shows them a sincere heart than an honest, cute and sexy smile. So work on your charm and your smile. Practice in front of the mirror, practice with your dog, practice, practice, practice. I am telling you the truth. Look at my charming smile. It has won me the hearts of many women. It may not come as naturally to you but do not give up.
5. Love potion
If you are a real loser and nothing else works, you can always fall back on magic. I have my own special potion called Love potion No: 9. It will only cost you most of everything you own but it will be worth it. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can talk business.