War is Stupid and Sweet

DONUT WAR I (the story so far)

It all began last Saturday with an unprovoked first strike attack on Canada. The full ghastly details were reported by the Hollydale International. Apparently, Olga the Traveling Bra was pressed ganged into providing essential technology to launch two, we repeat, two intercontinental jelly donuts on an attack on Canada. Substantial damage was done to one of the primary targets but the other donut caused little damage after developing a jelly leak.

Retaliation was not long in coming. On Wednesday, the whole of Chico, California was hit by a sugar bomb causing humans, livestocks and buildings to be covered with powdered sugar. Before the sugar dust had even settled, sticky fingers were pointed at likely perpetrators and bloggers mobilised their forces and took sides .

To avert full scale pie throwing, a secret consortium of allied nations (U.N.A.C. – United Nations Atkin’s Coalition) has drafted a document, pledging resources for a peacekeeping mission. Paradise entered the fray and committed their armed forces to the UNAC. Concerned world citizens watch in apprehension as each side continued to unveil confectionery of increasingly greater kilocalories in an apparent show of strength and to intimidate their opponents.

DONUT WAR I (breaking news)
Squirrels have declared war against Paradise and her allies in retaliation for the recent incident in which an innocent squirrel was lured into a dungeon and locked up by Paradise forces. Squirrels dismiss claims that the squirrel was a spy as pure fantasy of the part of the Paradise authorities fueled by a sugar high.

DONUT WAR I (Interview with General McNuts)
General McNuts of the Squirrel forces say that squirrels are not intimidated by the giant kilocalorie confectionery weapons of the enemy saying, “Their intercontinental ballistic donuts and their sugar bombs do not scare us. Squirrels have sugar proof bunkers in almost every other tree and can survive these attacks without getting their fur sticky.”

General McNuts of the Secret Grey Squad

Asked about the squirrel campaign strategy, General McNuts said,”We do not believe in the effectiveness of using large WMD. Our campaign is based on three strategy. The first is that small donuts are easier to make, transport and use. The second strategy was to have in place a long term trigger mechanism based on the use of mass media to send out subliminal messages.

Subliminal Messages

And finally the third strategy is that the size of the confectionery doesn’t matter, it’s what’s in it that counts! Squirrel scientist first used this special technology to increase the potency of snowcones but it can be used in donuts.”

“doesn’t matter what size it is, it’s what’s in it that counts”.

Regular readers will know that the Squirrel has been in a bit of a funk over recent world events. While we apologise to those appalled by today’s silliness, we actually recommend getting into a food fight as a great way of getting out of a funk.

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