Something Evil This Way Comes


I don’t believe in astrology but surely this week, the man on the moon woke up on the wrong side of the sun, Saturn’s rings are all askew, Mars is fuming and Venus is frigid.  The combination has resulted in great ill-fortune and horror.  The internet provider technical support person continues  to be an disemboweled voice originating from the twilight zone and I am apparently channeling for HP Lovecraft (see previous post for details on both).  Once again, I am blogging from the premises of the dark Starbucks Empire.

However, I  have yet to reveal the greatest horror of all!  (drumroll) I have a toothache and (drumroll) I had to visit a dentist and (drumroll and crescendo) I have to get a root canal procedure done this afternoon.

A Mouth's View of Steve Martin's Evil Dentist

I hate dentists.  I think dentists are evil, sadistic  con men.  I have goods reason to believe this.  When I was young, I had to endure some weekly visits to the dentist.  My parents brought me to a dental specialist who after stirring his witches’ cauldron and consulting with his magical Papau New Guinea shrunken head declared that I had extra teeth and an abnormally small jaw which would force my teeth to be poorly aligned.  My two front teeth would especially protrude forward and look like a squirrel’s (ironic, ain’t it).   Furthermore, I had a tooth lying in the middle of my mouth cavity which if not treated would eventually grow up and out from my palate into my nose cavity and eventually emerge like a unicorn’s horn.

His proposed treatment was to extract the extra teeth to give my remaining teeth more room and to allow the unicorn horn to drop down into the jaw as a normal tooth and then extracted.  And so, between the ages of 8 and 10, I was subjected to some 8 tooth extractions and *shiver* the medieval torture device, braces.    It is sitting in the dentist’s chair and pretending that the dentist’s drill sounds like “Ommmm” that I did some quality thinking and learnt some valuable life lessons.

Lessons learnt the hard and painful way;

  1. Dentists are evil conmen.  (after my eight tooth extraction, I threw a tantrum and insisted my parent’s got an opinion from another dentist.  We did this and the new dentist said that there was no need to have any further extractions and that the unicorn tooth would never grow up and out of my nose.  Now, some 30 years later, there is still no unicorn horn on my head.  So the first dentist was a con man, making profits from little children’s pain).
  2. The dentist always wants to hold a conversation with you after he puts in the local anesthetic and about a dozen tubes and tools in your mouth. (more evidence of diabolical evil).
  3. When the dentist say “Spit”, he means into the sink and not at his face (take that you evil diabolical con man).
  4. Braces are not cool.  (hence my very lonely childhood).

To be fair, from my current visit to the dentist, I have noted that the profession has changed somewhat and has tried to get rid of its bad boy Spanish Inquisition image.  The dentist was very nice, keeping me well informed about what he was doing and apologising  every time he caused me pain by “accidentally” using his sharp metal probe to play my throbbing tooth like a xylophone.

So, I am hoping for the best as I go to for my root canal work this afternoon but i am fearing the worse.  Hence the title of today’s post, “Something Evil This Way Comes” and it wears a white coat and carries a drill.  While not one of HP Lovecraft’s, it is a masterpiece of horror by another fine writer and a personal favorite, Ray Bradbury.  It was written the year I was born.  A mere coincidence? Or an appointment set in the deep recesses of the Twilight Zone?!!?

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25 thoughts on “Something Evil This Way Comes”

  1. LGS All I can say is ouch! You brought back very painful memories. When I was 12 I fell down a flight of stairs and landed chin first with my mouth open. I broke my jaws, and knocked out teeth. Just the top,left the roots in. Jaws were wired shut and the roots dug out later. Also had root canal -passed out before it was finished. So you have my prayers for quick and less painful trips. This horror is much worse than computer problem. Good Luck and nice smile.

  2. I must believe in astrologie now as well as there is lots of ill fortune on this site of the planet. But your dentist visit or better your visit to the evil conmen is just horrifying
    I will look at the stars tonight, which are very visible here, to see if better times are coming.
    All the best for now

  3. I had that one root canal which was worse than my car accident and childbirth and all my broken bones combined. I always said that if I had to have another one I would just shoot myself in the head. So have fun!

  4. Braces are cool now. They were anything BUT cool when we were kids, but they are now. So are glasses. Zits are still uncool though. When I move to a new town I always visit 3 or 4 dentists before having any work done so they can tell me what they think I need doing. And even though I go to my dentist just before moving, all 4 of the new dentists will find something that needs doing. Oddly, they always find completely different things. I choose the dentist who finds the least wrong with my mouth. Dentistry is a business first and foremost and only incidentally based in the medical field. Instead of doctor they should call them CEOs.

  5. Yikes!!…I am so sorry, Mr. LGS. Considering everything you’ve endured, your anxiety is well founded. Having recently undergone an apicoectomy ( Oral surgery on tooth which involves cutting the gum above the tooth) with local anesthesia, I can honestly say that I can relate. I have also had many root canals….What I find helpful is going to “my happy place” which happened to be a beautiful island beach, soft sandy shores and torqouise seas…mild breezes…clear day. I also brought up worship music, scriptures Ps. 23. At the worse point, I just silenced my mind and put my whole being in God’s hands trusting him, and ignoring everything else.
    I will keep you in prayer!
    Gina

  6. Squirrel, this was priceless! It proves, also, the old adage “no pain, no gain!” Because if dentists were all like Mr. Rogers, we’d suffer no pain. Ergo, no material for hilarious blog posts. Not to be too picky, but wouldn’t “he” be a warlock?? That first dentist/warlock was indeed evil. He deprived us all of the chance to see a real live unicorn!
    Jokes aside, I hope you survived. If not, your next post [continuing the dark theme] could be a tale from the crypt…..

  7. Oh dear, Mr. Squirrel. This is awful!
    Diabolical indeed. Shifty eyed snake oil salesmen, all of them.

    On a funny note, I’m currently wearing braces. Yep. had them at 16, have them again at 43, all because of my evil anti-wisdom teeth pushing everyone else around.

    I’ve lost my mind.
    =]
    Feel better soon!
    xoxoxo

  8. OMG! I detest the dentist, but luckily have found a really nice lady dentist who has really gentle, compassionate hygienists. I had a similar experience as a kid, with teeth all over the place, which “necessitated” – according to the con man – multiple extractions that made me a bona fide dento-phobe. Then I had the nastiest orthodontal experience EVER, which only made me more terrified of dentists & dentistry. Good luck with your root canal. That is one dental pleasure I have not had and I thank God for that.

  9. Joyce,
    My experience pales in comparison to what you just described. I have survived my first bout with the dental rascal but he wants a re-match in a weeks time. The cad.

    Marja,
    But the stars always seem different in the southern hemisphere. Besides, the All Blacks beat south Africa twice and rather convincingly, so the stars must be in Kiwi favour.

    geewits,
    Armed with your encouraging words, I was practically catatonic with fear immediately before the appointment. I survived though. The worst part was when he asked “Does it hurt when I do this?” My reply was, “Owwwwwww! That #@*/@ bloody hurt.”

  10. XUP,
    My dentist was rather dismayed when he could not find any cavities. You’d think he ought to be congratulating me for my good dental hygiene.

    Evalinn,
    thank you. I shamelessly accept your sympathy.

    Kathryn,
    I dunno about brave but I am not very smart.

  11. Gina,
    i tried but once I heard that dentist drill, it was like a hurricane had swept through my happy place!

    Molly,
    I survived, so no tales from the crypt just yet. I am thinking more along the lines of Frankenstein’s Monster.

  12. Sweet cheeks,
    Anti-wisdom teeth? Trade you for a unicorn horn?

    Wandering coyote,
    These sort of things should not happen to squirrel or coyote. By the way, have you heard this one? Why do coyotes howl in the desert but dogs in the city don’t? Cause in the desert, there are no lamp posts or water hydrants………only cacti. (Think about it). A little cross species joke.

  13. I am catching up on my blog reading after a week of holidays. Your root canal procedure must be over now. I sure hope the force was with you. Yikes – I’ve heard it is a HORRIBLE dental procedure.

  14. I used to go to this one dentist when I was a kid and it wasn’t too bad until he said he wanted to pull some teeth because they were getting crowded in my mouth. At the time I was about 8-10 years old and it scared the s*** out of me so I ran up to my mom who was in the room with me and nearly cried. Now, yes in the 8-10 year old age group, they don’t usually freak out at the dentist but this guy was talking about pulling my teeth out!!!! Mom helped out but did this dentist explain that it’s nothing to be afraid of and he’ll tell me what’s going on, did he explain the procedure? No. He just said “C’mon you’re too old to be acting like this.” We promptly switched dentists and the dental practice I go to now has very friendly staff and they show and tell you what is going on. The only thing I don’t like is that they don’t think chewing gum is an effective plaque cleaner, I don’t really like flossing so I just chew sugar free gum after meals..can’t please everyone.

  15. E.Stone,
    I had a similar experience when I was that age with a doctor. I was admitted to hospital with a suspected case of appendicitis but my symptoms had more or less disappeared when he came round to examine me. Yet, after a moment, he said, “Let’s take it out anyway.” Huh! Easy for him to say!

    I just can’t master the art of flossing!

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