One Liner or Two

The results are in and the winner has been announced.  Eight comedy critics (what kind of killjoy becomes a comedy “critic”?)  shortlisted 24 one-liners from the comedy performances of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2010.  The public were then invited to vote for their favorites.

This resulted in the following top 10 one-liners and this grey squirrel risked life and limb to infiltrate the stronghold of those whisky swigging red squirrels to bring the results back for you:

1) Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

2) David Gibson “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”

3) Emo Philips “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

4) Jack Whitehall “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”

5) Gary Delaney “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

6) John Bishop “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

7) Bo Burnham “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

8) Gary Delaney “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

9) Robert White “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.”

10) Gareth Richards “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”

They also voted for some of the worst one-liners which are……

Sara Pascoe “Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”

Sean Hughes “You know city-centre beat officers… Well are they police who rap?”

John Luke Roberts “I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”

Emo Phillips “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

Bec Hill “Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”

Dan Antopolski “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”

Interestingly, Dan Antopolski was the winner for best joke in last year’s festival.

His winning joke last year was: “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

I noticed something though.  Most of the “one-liners” actually consisted of two and even three lines.  Hmmm.  Is that a joke?  Perhaps that’s what happens in a Fringe Festival.  Here is one of my all time favorite from the Goon Show;  “My name is Eccles but everyone calls me by my nickname………..Nick!”

So do you know any good one-liners that you would like to share?  And apparently two or three lines are allowed.


14 thoughts on “One Liner or Two”

  1. Haha … good point … I was also wondering why they’re called one-liners when I first saw the results …

    … my personal favorite on the list is “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

  2. The worst ones are as good as the best ones!! My Facebook status the other day said: To err is human, to arr is pirate…

  3. OneStonedCrow,
    That was my favorite too. I also liked the one about the hedgehogs – why can’t they share the hedge.

    It’s not as easy as one might think …..coming up with a funny one-liner. But it really takes the joy out of the job when you know that there is some “comedy critic” waiting to critic!

  4. My favorite was on the worst list:
    Emo Phillips “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
    That cracked me up.

  5. Steven Wright has some hilarious one liners such as:
    When a saleperson asks me what size I wear I say, “Extra Medium”.
    The other night I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
    “I invented the cordless extension cord…I’m a genius.”

  6. Very funny! Love the one liners. The picture I had of the Walking Stick, you commented you didn’t know they were so far north. Apparently this is the only one that is not tropical.;)

  7. geewits,
    I liked that one too. It creates a very funny visual in the mind of 32 bald men.

    Sweet Cheeks,
    “Extra Medium” Haha. Sadly, a sales person in Thailand once accosted me saying, We have giant size here”.

  8. Lorac,
    I really did not know that about the walking stick insect. It was interesting to learn about it.

    Secret Agent Woman,
    Sorry but I did not understand the “ginger kid” reference.

    Hope you are well. I am well but there’s been quite a lot of changes in my life. I’ve missed you and your poems.

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