The New Zodiac


WARNING! THIS WILL BE A VERY LONG POST.

It all started when this squirrel watched a program about Jaime Oliver.  Mr. Oliver is a famous chef  from UK and he carried out a successful campaign in UK to reform British school meals to make them more healthy.  He was alarmed that they were being served high fat, high sugar junk food.   Following from that success, he is now in the USA,  trying to win over students, school administrators, school cooks and parents to more healthy and nutritious food.  However, the situation in the USA was even worse than in the UK.  For example, in the elementary school he was at, the children did not know that there was such a thing as fresh milk.  They had grown up on chocolate or strawberry flavored milk and had never drank plain fresh milk.

As an experiment, Jaime brought some fruits and vegetables into a class and asked the kids to identify them and the kids failed to identify any of the fresh produce.  When shown tomatoes, one brave girl offered “cherries” as an answer.  But they failed to recognise limes, potatoes, pears,  beets, etc.  They did however recognise french fries, pizzas and McNuggets.  They were surprised to learn that their french fries were made from potatoes.  I have posted on this before, this disconnect that children today have with nature and with natural foods. Their lives are dominated by processed food.

Shortly after, I went over to The Walking Man and Mark posted a poem about naming the stars after people he knew.  That made the squeaky wheels in this squirrel’s brain to start to turn and putting two and two together and getting 5, the Lone Grey Squirrel presents the new Zodiac for the modern American youth.

Realising that American kids today cannot relate with the old zodiac signs and names, this new Zodiac has been drawn from things in the modern world and from the youth pop culture.  Another humanitarian service by the Lone Grey Squirrel.  Read below and find your new Zodiac sign.

Jackass the Hardhead

March 21st – April 20th   (previously Aries the Ram)

Aries the Ram was intended to convey the idea of “hardheaded-ness”.  But kids today probably have no idea what a ram is.  The modern equivalent can be found in a popular TV and movie series called “Jackass”, in which a bunch of idiots do their nitwit best to do damage to their heads and other parts of their body by carrying out stupid, stupid stunts.  That they are still alive must be in part be because they have very hard heads or perhaps nothing in them that can be damaged further.  Anyway, they are a great replacement for Aries.

If you are a Jackass, you can expect to have a fall in the near future.  It would be a good idea to write your will now.  On the good side, you have a high chance of winning an award such as the Darwin Awards.

Buttercup the Mad Cow

April 21st – May 20th (Previously Taurus the Bull)

Clearly the modern version of the enraged bull is the mad cow.

If you happen to be a Buttercup, you will find that life seems to be going round and round in circles.  Do not try to travel, you will be detained and put down.  But despite all adversity, you remain cheerful cause you are in your own little world.

Dolly the Clone

May 21st – June 21st  (previously Gemini the Twins)

Twins are so passe.  In today’s world of mass production, what is just two when you can have 5, 8 or more? (The Octomom was considered for this zodiac sign but I think she has had her 15 minutes of fame, don’t you think?)  The historical cloning of Dolly opens a new era where you could clone yourself.

If you are a Dolly, you will never be alone.  You will find yourself surrounded by like-minded people.  Life, however could be very exciting if you are adventurous but if you are not it could become very monotonous and repetitive.

Crab Sticks the Artificial Food

June 22nd – July 22nd (previously Cancer the Crab)

If kids don’t know what a potato is, then they are not likely to know what a crab is.  However, increasingly crab sticks (which are actually made from poor quality fish pieces and made to look and taste like crab legs by the use of artificial flavors and colouring) are found in all supermarkets.

If you are a  Crab Stick, you are  not  what you try to appear to be.  You are pre-occupied with external looks rather than inner substance.  Keep cool or people might smell a fraud.

Leo diCaprio

July 23rd – August 22nd (previously Leo the Lion)

Well, did not have to go far to find the modern equivalent  for this zodiac sign.

If you are a Leo, you are extremely gifted and all the world’s your stage.  However, avoid holidaying on islands with a hospital on it (Shutter Island) or remote islands in Thailand (The Beach).  It is also probably not a good idea to go on a cruise (Titanic).

Madonna – like a Virgin

August 23rd – September 22nd (previously Virgo the Virgin)

Sadly, this ancient zodiac symbol is rare these days.  The closest symbol from pop culture is Madonna who is “like” a virgin.

If you are a Madonna, you will be highly successful in almost everything you do which is good since you are a material girl/guy.  You are very interested in fashion setting but be advised that wearing two traffic cones just looks stupid.

Biggest Loser the Overloaded Scales

September 23rd – October 22nd (previously Libra the Scales)

Jaime Oliver is trying to act against the problem of obesity in American society today.  For many kids, the only scales they have seen is the bathroom scales that scream for mercy when they step on them.  the Biggest Loser is an appropriate modern zodiac symbol.

If you are a Biggest Loser, prepare to work hard.  Unfortunately, people will take delight in shouting at you and making you sweat.  There is a good chance that you will need to change your wardrobe.  You health will improve if you don’t have  a heart attack first.

Scorpio the Scorpion

October 23rd – November 21st (previously Scorpio the Scorpion)

Well, no need for any change here.  Unfortunately, scorpions are as common and as well-known as ever.

If you are a Scorpio, this is your time to glow.  Your enemies will be scared of you but try not to let your personality become too toxic.

Edward Cullen the Vampire

November 22nd – December 20th (previously Sagittarius the Archer)

This was a difficult one.  I’m pretty sure most of us have never seen a Centaur with a bow and arrow.  However, I guess a half man – half horse creature is basically a monster and today’s favorite monster is Edward Cullen of the Twilight Saga.

If you are an Edward Cullen, now is the time for you to sparkle in the sun.  However, you work better at night.  Stay away from dogs.  Seriously.  You will be extremely popular with girls. Sorry, girls. You will still be popular with girls.

Billy the Scapegoat

December 21st – January 19th (previously Capricorn the Goat)

Again these days, not many kids have seen a real goat but in schools they have already learned the concept of a scapegoat.

If you are a Billy, when ever anything happens ….run away before they pin it on you.  The only advice for you this year is to hang around with fellow Billy’s, at least then there is a chance that someone else will get the blame.

Coca Cola the Real Thing

January 20th – February 18th (previously Aquarius the Water Bearer)

No kid today would understand what a water bearer is.  Today water comes easily out of a tap and even better, soft drinks, high on sugar, caffeine and bubbles, are also readily available.

If you are a Coca Cola, you have a bubbly personality and the life of many a party.  You work well as part of a global multinational company and your lucky colour is red. You are just classic.  Stay away from Mentos.

BP the Oil Spill

February 19th – March 20th (previously Pisces the Fishes)

Not much fishes around since the big Gulf Oil Spill last year.  Instead the beaches are littered with tar balls and oil slicks.  So this makes BP the Oil Spill a most appropriate modern zodiac sign.

If you are a BP, your influence will spread over a wide area.  You may gush with enthusiasm but some people may think that you are crude.  You will not be popular with the birds.  Yet despite setbacks, you will find new areas of business.

Dear reader, thank you if you have read this long post to the end.  If any of you have any corrections or additions to this modern zodiac, do leave your suggestions in the comments.

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21 thoughts on “The New Zodiac”

  1. It’s perfect just as it is… I knew you were out there in a squirrely dimension unto your own, but you have surpassed yourself here… I will never look at crab sticks the same way again… a case of the crabs apparently.

    But my favorite is buttercup the mad cow !!!

    No, my favorite is your imagination…

  2. Very funny.. although now I am just a clone… great! Gemini sounds way more amazing. Great post!

    I am a product of American Schooling I know the way the fed us… it just gets worse and worse each year

  3. Laura,
    Perhaps you are a reformed Crab Stick. Cause you are crusading against the very artificial flavors, additives and other non-green chemicals in our daily lives. Yes, you are no crab stick…….you are a real crab!

    Janice,
    You are a BP? No! I guess that just shows that horoscopes are just a bunch of nonsense. Although, BP is a very colorful zodiac. You don’t paint with “oil”, do you?

  4. Owen,
    Thank you for your kind words. The secret to a lively imagination is eating too many bad nuts. There’s something in them that’s psychotropic. I like Buttercup too. I envy anyone who can smile and dance despite everything.

    Sy,
    There is strength in numbers. 🙂 Thanks for dropping in and leaving a comment. I love comments.

  5. Though a Leo i was always curious about those crab sticks and after one time dancing with those particular crabs…I am well pleased that once was enough for me now that you told me what the constituent parts are.

    One thing I have to compliment you on LGS is you do humor much much better than I do. It adds to your flavor I am sure.

  6. With seven great grand children,I surely can’t be a virgin and traffic cones would just slide down. But I love the humor.

  7. Every time someone writes a post with their own version of the zodiac, I always go right to Libra and what? A sign about being overweight? I really am going to have to make up my own system.

  8. Well … I am sorry, LGS … I am not sucessful in all I do and see myself not as too much a material guy. And my interest in fasion tends towards zero. So I’m an a-typical madonna.

  9. Mark,
    Thank you for your gracious comments. And thanks for giving me the spark for the idea. Just for your info, I’d probably taste dry like my sense of humor.

    Joyce,
    I am also a Madonna and it doesn’t suit me either.

  10. Secret agent,
    I look forward to your more polite and kind zodiac system.

    Sweet Cheeks,
    Do you follow the Twilight series? If you do, you’d know that sparkling in the sun can have serious consequences for a vampire. 😉 By the way, you are in the medical profession, right? What a great cover to get some free blood!

    Mago,
    I too am a Madonna and like you I am not successful or material. I note however, that you did not deny wearing two traffic cones! 🙂

  11. O wow those snowflakes are amazing. I always thought life, people, lots of passing things were like snowflakes: sublimely beautiful and you’d like to hold on to every one but you just can’t.

    When I saw what I thought said “ig-squirrel” I thought “who’s that” THEN I realized it was you. What have you been doing then? Same old…? You said you were vanishing for a while and then you seemed to… So you’re back?

    Surely there are some amazing beaches in Malaysia, is that still where you are? Did you transfer countries? It would be just like me to get me wires crossed on that one. Then find out you’re in London and I walk past you every single day without even knowing it.

    Yeah I can’t sleep. Too much energy. Mental energy. That is never a bad thing except when it goes so intensely fast you cannot hold on to anything bar the hurricane wind through the cyber-hair in hyperspace… it was a bit like that and nobody except mental health really understands that it is just black coffee I’m on! Drink does NOT dothat!! I’m fed up of alcohol it’s so boring. Took me years to get a true taste for it because it was just so dull. And I cannot stand pubs. Pub gardens are OK (and you can smoke, how prissy, banning indoor smoking).

    But I never really drank socially. I drink now as a medication. I drank when I was depressed not to feel quite as bad. I hate being drunk. I just like feeling something in my system. I have gone down to nothing at all. No cigarettes. No caffeine. That felt nice. It was before I had any of my present conditions (ahem). But I can do it again. At least I can see that now.

    I hope all is OK with you I’d better leave it there else I’ll never stop rabbitting on and on and on and on and on and on and on… akkkkhhh!! It’s 06:35 hours I’ve been up since 2. It’s quite nice not NEEDING to sleep for … quite a lot more than 12 hours on some days!

  12. Just spot on, me being a madonna I love the material from fashion and thanks for the tip of the traffic cones.
    You are the funniest blogger I know.

  13. LGS, you really got the goat of this Capricorn. Proud to be a Billy (or in this case, a Billie). However, I’d like to suggest that I am a Billy sitting on the Cusp of a Squirrel (ouch! Those Bicuspids hurt).

  14. gledwood,
    I am still in Malaysia and did do some beach bumming but am filling my time with work nowadays; a mixture of paid work to pay the bills and volunteer work …….and like you I am procrastinating on starting to write. Hope we both have a great Year of the Rabbit.

    marja,
    Glad you like being a Madonna – you nature loving material girl. I haven’t forgotten your photo of you on the catwalk. Vogue.

    Caryn,
    I was thinking of suggesting “Squirrel” as a zodiac sign but that smelled a little too much like self praise, so being a humble squirrel ……..

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