The Lone Grey Squirrel is upset that the Chinese Zodiac does not include, well, squirrels. However, he will not dwell on this glaring oversight because that is just the graciousness you would come to expect from the Squirrel. Instead, he will make predictions for the coming years at the expense of all the other animals. Without further ado, here are Squirrel Sifu’s predictions.
2009 (Ox) – Normally, one would be tempted to say that during the Year of the Ox, we might expect that there will be a Bull Run on the stock Exchange. However, given the global economic depression, it would not be wise to predict such a thing. So instead, perhaps it is sufficient to say that this will be an Ox-picious year, if for nothing else but as the start of President Obama’s period in Ox-fice.
2010 (Tiger) – This will be a great year cause it is my year and I have waited a long 12 years for it to come round again. Obviously, it will be a TIGER-rific year. It will be a good year to organise parties and large social events as everyone will have a roaring good time.
2011 (Rabbit) – The wild socialising of the previous year will lead to a huge baby boom this year which is most appropriate for the Year of the Rabbit. On the economic front, some Hare-Brained investment schemes will leave many people hopping mad.
2012 (Dragon) – Further economic problems lead to draconian belt-tightening measures. On the romance front, ladies frequenting nightclubs and bars must be especially careful of lounge lizards who tend to be particularly active this year.
2013 (Snake) – Obviously, this is a year to be careful of snake-oil salesmen with forked tongues. The best way to survive this year is to keep low to the ground.
2014 (Horse) – The economy will have finally turned the corner and the stock market will gallop to new highs. However in the rush and euphoria, try to make sure you are not trampled in the stampede. Ladies, this is a good year for Mare-trimony; so start lasso-ing and corralling your stallions.
2015 (Sheep) – Another good year with the economy charging ahead but the Government will raise taxes to fleece the new found wealth of the nouveau rich. Beware of a greater chance of locking horns with family members and its ram-ifications. A good year for insomniacs (think about it or rather, count on it).
2016 (Monkey) – After two terms under President Obama, the political mood swings and unfortunately a monkey is returned as President. In world news, U.N. observers will declare that there was wide-spread monkey business during elections in a South American banana republic.
2017 (Rooster) – A good year to increase your brood. For many, this year will be a wake-up call to the hardships caused by global Warming. Erratic weather make it difficult for farmers to scratch a living. If you work hard though, you’ll have something to crow about before the end of the year.
2018 (Dog) – It will be a tough bitch of a year as businesses fight over a smaller pie. A prominent politician will be dogged by allegations of corruption and the FBI will eventually collar him.
2019 (Pig) – Good times come rolling in but once again the political porkers will dip into the national trough. Health issues arise from excessive pigging out by the masses.
2020 (Rat) – We come full cycle to my cousin the Rat and so does the economy. How bad will it be? Let’s just say that you can see the rats as they abandon the sinking corporate ships. Do not share secrets with colleagues this year. Unfortunately, they will rat on you.
All these predictions are given free and so there is no guarantee given that they will come true. For more detailed and accurate personal predictions, contact the Squirrel at squirrelseesall.com. The more you pay, the more accurate the predictions. This is called the Gross Prophet Margin.
6 thoughts on “My Future as a Soothsayer”
Oh yes, indeed! All hail Nutterdamus!
And if squirrels aren’t included in the Chinese Zodiac, it’s their own damn fault. The animals included in the zodiac were the only ones who showed up to bid farewell to the Buddha before he left the earth to go to Nirvana. None of the other animals could be arsed to make the effort, so they were not rewarded with a spot in the zodiac.
You are a great Nutterdamus 😀
And a Tiger, too! That’s fantastic!
The story goes that the animals took part in a race to determine the order in which they appear in the zodiac calender. Hey, hard working squirrels have to work hard to take care of their families…..who has time for frivolous races?
If only I could use my Nutterdamus power to foresee the winning lottery number………
An ‘All Hail Nutterdamus’ from me too.
The power to foresee the winning lottery number would indeed concrete your gift. I think you should work on it…
Working on it but I have no control over this power. It comes and goes. 😦