Tag Archives: Humor

Aye or Naw


Well today is a truly historic day as Scotland goes to the polls to vote on the question; “Should Scotland be an independent country?”   Will it be a vote for independence – an “AYE” or “YES” vote?  Or will it be a vote to remain in the United Kingdom – a “NAW” or “NO” vote?

Recent opinion polls show this to be a very tight race and no one is willing to give a firm prediction on the outcome.

As I have some Scottish relatives so I have to tread a little carefully when posting on this issue.

My Red Squirrel cousins (distant cousins, I might add), consider Scotland to be part of their home domain and have been showing up in droves to support the vote for Scottish independence.

The Feorag as they are known in Scottish gaelic are all about their traditions and clans and claim to trace their ancestry back to the ancient warrior tribe of red-haired Picts that used to live in these parts.  Below is a picture of the Reds rallying for a “YES” vote.

sqwerl-invasion

Grey Squirrels on the other hand tend to have a different political view.    Truth be told, Greys don’t hold our cousins the Reds in very high esteem.  Their official scientific name is Sciurus vulgaris.  Doesn’t the name just say it all?

Gary-red-squirrel-sign

As you can see from the picture above, red squirrels drive slowly.  Actually, Greys think Reds are generally a bit slow.  Enough said.

While I can understand the aspirations of many Scottish folks and Red Squirrels for an independent Scotland, us Grey Squirrels are generally for keeping the union.

In an age of globalisation, the world is a smaller place and our fates seem to be completely intertwined.  We think that strength and prosperity comes from unity and population size.  Take China and India, for example, they are expected to become the largest global economies but that won’t happen if they fracture into smaller independent nations.

Scots are better educated than most in the UK.  They also have lots of oil and let’s not forget the whiskey.  They may fare well as an independent nation but the UK as a whole will definitely be poorer.

If everyone just looked at their own economic interests, then might California or Alaska seceded from the USA?  Hong Kong from China?  Alberta from Canada? Barcelona from Spain?  Disneyland from all the countries they are in?

No!  Grey Squirrels say “No”.  We are for union. Vote for union!

rexsquirrel

But anyway, it won’t make any difference as we Grey Squirrels intend to conquer the world and rule it as one.  So enjoy your freedoms and you referendums while you can.

MWahahahaha! (evil laugh)

I Leave …… You Laugh ……. I Hope


Hi there ladies and gentlemen and others,  the Lone Grey Squirrel will be taking a leave of absence for a few days for some spiritual meditation and good food.

Now I seem to remember some famous saying said by some famous person I think which goes something like this … “Leave them laughing!”

And so as I leave, I hope to leave you laughing.

This is actually something I posted before but I think it is worth repeating.  I challenge you not to laugh.

Funny Laughter

I thought that we could all use a laugh this Monday and so I decided to post on laughter. I admire people who know how to laugh at themselves and know how to make others laugh along. My favorite comediennes all knew not to take themselves seriously. The only thing that they took seriously was the art of making people laugh.

Some comic geniuses take it a step further and make it almost their professional duty to trip up their fellow colleagues and make them laugh. One good example and a favorite of mine was the Carol Burnett Show. As if the skits were not funny enough but the real icing on the cake were the one liner ad lib that the actors would throw out which often caused the other actors in the skit to laugh uncontrollably. Yet as good professionals, they would try to hide their laughter behind straight faces or available props, but often not very successfully. For the audience, the poor attempts to hide their laughter were some of the funniest things ever seen. Occasionally, an actor would lose it and laugh hysterically and that would just ignite the audience with wildfire laughter. When that happened, I would laugh until I cried.

There was something contagious about the laughter. “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.“, so the saying goes. I present for your amusement, one of the best examples of an infectious laugh. It is a little long but quite worth it. The fun really gets going at the 1.30 minute mark and all decorum goes downhill from there. Enjoy.

Paranormal Proof


In a recent post  entitled “Knock,Knock“, we had a look at the Philip Experiment which was an attempt to determine scientifically the origin of some ghosts.   Spurred on by what we could learn from the experiment, I decided to investigate further into the paranormal.

After much research, I uncovered this unnerving footage which in my opinion is the most conclusive proof of the ghost activity that is happening around us.

This video was filmed in a forest in Eastern Europe using a high speed camera.  The ghost only became visible to the human eye when the film was slowed down considerably.  Watch carefully as the image appears only briefly.   Be warned.  You may be shocked.

The Literary Bum


Long term groupies of the Realm (all two of you), will know that I quit my longtime job about two years ago to make time for unemployment, starvation and the pursuit of other ambitions.  One of my ambitions was to live the life of a beach bum.

I am happy to report that I am halfway there …………. I am now definitely a bum.  Unfortunately, apart from a short week in Bali, this bum is beachless.  Hmmm, have to work on getting that beach!

Another of my “other ambitions” was to take up writing and to become a rich and famous novelist.  Now I admit that I was motivated to do so after seeing how some rather poor quality story telling and writing had become best sellers, been made into movies and was raking in the big bucks. ( I don’t want to mention any names but one of them involves pale guys that sparkle in the sun and often topless but buff Native Americans who smell like wet dog after running in the rain – you know who I mean).

I thought to myself, ” I can write as bad as that too ……..let the fame and fortune start rolling in!”  But lo, fame and fortune has not rolled in.  Instead, I find myself doing countless re-writes because I am having trouble getting the first line right.

I think my problem is that perhaps the literary geniuses that have been a big influence to my art may not have been the best choices.  Although I can say that I am greatly influenced by the works of Maxim Gorky, most of my writing lean more heavily on the works of Snoopy and his “it was a dark and stormy night…..” approach.

darkstormy6

Here are some more opening lines which I may have wrongly used as my inspirations (most of them are winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest)  What do you think?

  • Adventure:-When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose. — Elizabeth (Betsy) Dorfman, Bainbridge Island, WA

As the sun dropped below the horizon, the safari guide confirmed the approaching cape buffaloes were herbivores, which calmed everyone in the group, except for Herb, of course. — Ron D Smith, Louisville, KY

“Die, commie pigs!” grunted Sergeant “Rocky” Steele through his cigar stub as he machine-gunned the North korean farm animals. – Dave Ranson, Calgary, Alberta

  • Romance:-

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss — a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil. – Molly Ringle

As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds’ rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta’s face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows. – David Pepper

Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking. – Dan Winters

The Cunard “Carinthia” glided through the starry waters of the Bering Sea, 843 passengers aboard, including Harriet Dobbs, resignedly single for over a decade, while a nautical mile due west slunk the K-18 submarine, under the command of lonely Ukrainian Captain First Rank Nikolai Shevchenko: ships that passed in the night (although the second technically a boat). — Dr. Sarah Cockram, Edinburgh, U.K.

  • Crime:-

As I stood among the ransacked ruin that had been my home, surveying the aftermath of the senseless horrors and atrocities that had been perpetrated on my family and everything I hold dear, I swore to myself that no matter where I had to go, no matter what I had to do or endure, I would find the man who did this … and when I did, when I did, oh, there would be words. — Rodney Reed, Ooltewah, TN

Chief Inspector Blancharde knew that this murder would be easy to solve – despite the fact that the clever killer had apparently dismembered his victim, run the corpse through a chipper-shredder with some Columbian beans to throw off the police dogs, and had run the mix through the industrial-sized coffee maker in the diner owned by Joseph Tilby (the apparent murder victim) – if only he could figure out who would want a hot cup of Joe. — Matthew Chambers, Hambleton, WV

maybenot

Inspired by the great Spike Milligan, I offer two more possible first lines;

  • Our hero was sitting on the park bench feeding the pigeons when suddenly………..nothing happened.  But it happened quite suddenly.
  • When I interrogated the murder suspect, Joe Smith, the suspect told me that no one had called him “Joe” in years but instead they all used his nickname ……”Nick”.

Name Game


Be prepared for another rambling post.  It’s a mystery where the post will end up.  Let’s start……

Here is my Chinese name ………

chi leongMy very wise parents chose this name for me and I am often told either that the name suits me or that I have lived up to the name given me.  It is pronounced “ci liang” and means “kind and good”.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be named “rich and famous” but I  guess that is not a bad thing to have a name like “kind and good”.

One has to be careful with Chinese names because characters with similar sounds can mean something totally different.  For example, my brother’s name actually means “kind dragon” (which I think is really cool to be called a ‘dragon’, don’t cha think?).  However, with just a slightly wrong pronunciation and accent, such as might be said by a Westerner with no experience with the Chinese language , then “kind dragon” will suddenly be transformed into “pig sty”.

It is precisely because of all these mispronunciations of my name when I studied in the United Kingdom that I decided to adopt an Anglicized name.

I chose “Calvin”.  I like “Calvin”. However, in retrospect, it was not the wisest of choices.

If you were to look up the meaning of the name “Calvin”, it has only one unfortunate meaning…………”bald”.

BALD!!!!

Oh, yea.  Good choice there squirrel.  Can you imagine a bald squirrel?  No bushy tail?  Not a pretty sight, I think.

Many years ago, I went to Geneva, Switzerland and got to see a statue representing a rather famous “Calvin”……………John Calvin – a key historical figure of the Protestant Reformation of the 16th century.  The statue is part of a series of Protestant figures in what is called the “Reformation Wall“.

Photo by LGS
Photo by LGS

 

Calvin is the second from the left.  Now, I am not 100% sure, but don’t they all look bald to you?

Apart from being an important church figure, they also named a beer after him called Calvinus Beer.  I tried it.  It’s okay but not great……certainly won’t put hair on your head.

Strangely, there aren’t a lot of famous ‘Calvin”s.   The 30th President of the United States was a ‘Calvin” but he is mostly known for being a bit strange and being a man of few words. The story is told that a matron, seated next to him at a dinner, said to him, “I made a bet today that I could get more than two words out of you.” He replied, “You lose.”   Another tale relates  that upon learning that Calvin Coolidge had died, Dorothy Parker reportedly remarked, “How can they tell?”

The only other ‘Calvin” that people seem to have in their consciousness is “Calvin and Hobbes”.

A Boy and His Tiger (comics by Bill Watterson)
A Boy and His Tiger (comics by Bill Watterson)

 

Now I don’t mind that association cause Calvin is kinda cool but it gets a little tiresome when people keep asking me “Where’s Hobbes?’

Anyway, what does your name mean and are you happy with it?

Top 10 Reasons for a Sinking Feeling


Last week, two very large sinkholes opened up along a very busy stretch of road in the centre of Kuala Lumpur.   Construction work for a road tunnel had accidentally caused a burst water pipe and the escaping water led to the formation of the sinkholes.

Sinkhole-in-Malaysia-near-Jalan-Pudu-KL-photoshop-memes-Malaysia-20140703-05-620x315

Sadly, there’s been a lot of that sinking feeling here in Malaysia this year as we seem to be reeling from tragedy; political, racial and religious extremism; and many cases of “foot in mouth disease” by our leaders.  In fact,  if possible, we seem to be having a lot of “shooting oneself in the foot that also happens to be in the mouth” disease.

Here in no particular order is the TOP 10 Recent Reasons for  Malaysians to have a Sinking Feeling.

  1. MH 370 – the missing Malaysian Airlines plane had the world’s attention on Malaysia for much of the beginning of the year and it is considered  one of the greatest  aviation mysteries.  Where is the plane and what happened?  Apart from the tragedy of lives lost, Malaysian officials came across as arrogant, insensitive, incompetent and contradictory.  The handling of the matter and the treatment of the relatives of the victims has been terrible.
  2. Grabbing kids – in the last year, Islamic authorities have been involved in cases in which children, brides and even bodies have been snatched.   In a number of cases,  Muslim converts who had lost child custody cases in court went on to abduct their children from their Hindu mothers and despite the court ruling have been able to keep the children up to now.
  3. Grabbing brides – A Hindu wedding was raided by religious authorities and the bride was taken away in front of the groom and the 400 guests.  Although born and raised as a Hindu, the authorities consider her a Muslim because her father, who had abandoned the family in 1990,  had become a convert.
  4. Grabbing bodies-  Last month, a family was grieving and holding a traditional Chinese funeral for their loved one.  About twenty minutes into the ceremony, religious authorities interrupted the proceedings and took away the body claiming that the deceased had converted to Islam some 17 years earlier.  As you can imagine, this came as a terrible surprise to all her family members.
  5. Groping bodies – A Malaysian diplomat and military officer, Muhammad Rizalman Ismail, claimed diplomatic immunity when charged in New Zealand for burglary and sexual assault with intent to commit rape.  He had followed a 21 year old woman to her home from her bus stop, broken in, undressed and tried to assault her.  She fought back and with the help of neighbors alerted by her screams, forced him to flee.  Once again, the manner in which the authorities have handled the matter has been disgraceful.  They flew him back to Malaysia and denied that they were protecting him until certain communications with the New Zealand government were leaked to the press.  They also said that he would not be extradited but would be tried in Malaysia.  Then, under pressure, they agreed to return him to New Zealand to face the charges.  But now, the authorities claim that he is unwell and medically unfit for travel.  Although, so far the only thing that has been said about his medical condition is that he “was not looking good”, withdrawn and depressed.
  6. “Break bone Fever” – The mosquito borne viral disease, dengue fever, is characterised by severe joint pains (hence “break bone”) and in severe cases, internal hemorrhaging.  The number of cases and deaths have increased by about 250% from the previous year with about 40,000 cases and at least 80 deaths this year till now.  I personally, know of 5 people who have been ill and a friend has attended two funerals.  So apart, from dust from extensive construction going on in Kuala Lumpur and the suffocating haze from forest fires, I now am also unable to open my windwows for fear of the mosquitoes coming in.
  7. Dry taps –  This year also saw the largest urban area in the country, with 2.5 million people, facing water rationing for over three months.  Dry taps in a country with some of the highest rainfall in the world. Something is wrong with this picture.
  8. The K9 problem” –  The chairman of the commission on public transport had said in an interview that there would be no problem for guide dogs assisting the blind to be allowed on public transport.  Apparently, he was wrong.  The Deputy Minister for Transport said that city by-laws insist that dogs should be under the control of a capable owner (thereby implying that the blind are not capable) and went on to say that dogs would only be an inconvenience to the blind.  Religious authorities than chipped in to say that guide dogs were inappropriate for a Muslim majority country as dogs are considered unclean in the religion.  This seems like a strange statement considering that no such issue has been raised about the use of police dogs or security dogs.
  9. “Hell’s Kitchen” – This last couple of weeks has seen the authorities declare war on soup kitchens and the homeless.  Apparently, they are the great evil that is damaging our society.  The
    Women, Family and Community Development Minister

    Women, Family and Community Development Minister had implied that people are choosing to be homeless because they can get free food.  She also said that tourists are also taking advantage of the soup kitchens and therefore not spending tourist dollar on meals.  The Minister of the Federal Territories then proved that he was a man of action by banning all soup kitchens within 2 km of the city centre.    He suggested that the homeless were lazy and giving “his” city a bad image.  He also implied that building shelters for the homeless would make them complacent.  He also said that if they were hungry, they could always travel out of the city centre to soup kitchens further out.    Some soup kitchens plan to defy the ban and will face stiff fines for their defiance.

  10. The sky is falling! The ground is sinking!   – the latest round of construction activity all around Kuala Lumpur for the Mass Rapid Transport or MRT train line has been causing all manners of problems but of greatest concern is the safety of the public.  Large concrete and metal beams have now fallen on passing cars on at least two occasions.  The cars were wrecked but miraculously, the occupants although requiring hospitalisation, escaped with their lives.

Two-hurt-by-falling-metal-beam-(1)

And of course, there was the big sinkholes that I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

So how do Malaysians deal with all this gloom? ……..with a sense of humor.  LGS proudly presents for your viewing pleasure a few examples of Malaysian netizen’s take on the sinkholes and WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?

The "why the chicken crossed the road with the Hippo" theory
The “why the chicken crossed the road with the Hippo” theory

 

The "Pandamonium" Theory
The “Pandamonium” Theory

 

Surely it was Godzilla!
Surely it was Godzilla!

A Queer Duck


I know I seem to be mixing my metaphorical species but this squirrel is, as the English used to say, a “queer duck“.

Inspired by some of the sharing in the comments from the last post, (thanks everyone for sharing but especially eccentric were the habits of ksbeth and Mago), I decided to share with you one of my greatest eccentricities.

This queer duck of squirrel doesn’t eat anything  that has feathers.  I don’t eat chicken, duck, turkey or the Frankensteinish “Turducken“.

cutting-a-turducken
The creepy and monster-ish Turducken (a boneless chicken stuffed into a boneless duck stuffed into a boneless turkey).

I also don’t eat pigeon, dove, quail, pheasant, etc.  Are you getting the picture?

How long have I had this peculiarity? Since I was about 5 years old.

Why don’t I eat my feathered friends?  Here’s where I have to lie down on the couch and tell you about my early childhood.  Here is  the sad story…………

One day, when I was about 5 years old, I happened upon an old woman who was slaughtering a chicken.  She had just used a knife to cut the chicken’s throat.  Then she squatted down, bent the neck of the chicken backwards and holding it above a bowl, let the blood drained out.  I watched stunned as the blood drain out, dripping and splattering into the bowl.

I asked the old woman why she was collecting the blood.  She turned her wrinkled face towards me and gave a toothless grin (at that age, she sure looked like a wicked witch to me!) and said in a creepy voice, “Why, I’m going to make it into a jelly for you to eat!”

I ran away screaming from the blood eating vampire witch!

After that, I refused to eat anything feathered.  This became a point of contention and contest of will between my mother and me.  As I grew older, she kept trying to get me to eat chicken.

There was a time when she would mince the chicken and mix it with mince pork to make one of my favorite dishes.  I would eat the dish and I could not consciously taste the chicken and yet I would still sense it unconsciously and throw up every time.  She eventually gave up.  The power of the mind truly is surprising.

And so this went on until my twenties when work and studies put me in situations where there was often nothing other than chicken to eat.  With the memory of the blood eating vampire witch beginning to fade, I finally was able to eat some chicken out of sheer necessity.

Since then I have eaten chicken and turkey to be polite on social occasions but still generally avoid them if I have a choice.  My friends now know to have a non-poultry option when they have me over for a meal.

The final twist in this craziness is that all through this time, there was one chicken dish that I have always eaten…….chicken satay.  Somehow, my mind decided that satay is too delicious to be chicken!

Satay is "NOT" chicken.
Satay is “NOT” chicken.

 

I guess if you have gotten to the end of this post, you may have come to the conclusion that LGS is  NUTS.  But I hope we can still be friends and if you do invite me over for dinner, remember, no birds but lots of nuts please.

Two Facts About Me


I recently watched some short filler on one of the TV channels which was entitled  something like “Things that you didn’t know about Matthew McConaughey.”  One of the things I learned was that he has three bedrooms in his house and he sleeps in each of them in turn.  Now I didn’t know this.  How interesting.   This sort of information may help me with life’s problems one day!

Being a celebrity squirrel, the adoring groupies and paparazzi are always trying to find out more about me.   So I thought I should also let my fans in on a couple of interesting LGS trivia.

1.  I am not very athletic

fitness protection

2.  My Handyman Strategy in a Nutshell

engineering flowchart

Care to share an interesting piece of trivia about yourself?

Another Not Another World Cup Soccer Post


Be warned, this will be a long and wandering post as I am delirious from squirrel pox fever.  But I think you will like it if you make it to the end.  If you are short of time, just watch the videos.

Four years ago, the World Cup was in South Africa and in the midst of the frenzy of postings about the soccer matches on blogs, Facebook and Twitter , I, the Lone Grey Squirrel, boldly stood firm against the tide and posted about rugby in “Not Another World Cup Soccer Post“.

And so, this year, I have decided to do “Another Not Another World Cup Soccer Post”.   And so starts a great new tradition.

So what will this post be about?  Well, not rugby cause I did it the last time but suffice to say that England lost again to the New Zealand All Blacks; losing three out of three games.    So it’s not just soccer that England sucks at.

England sport lose

No, this time, the World Cup is in Brazil and though I have never been to the Land of Samba and Carnival, Brazil is very special to this squirrel.

One of the reasons is  “Brazil – where the nuts come from“.  That phrase which is music to a squirrel’s ears is actually a line from the farce, Charley’s Aunt which was written by Brandon Thomas and first performed in 1892. Some consider it one of the best farces ever written and it is built round the concept of an aristocratic English nobleman being persuaded by one of his University friends  to play the role of a rich aunt of that friend.  It is in that capacity that he identifies himself as Charley’s aunt from Brazil – where the nuts come from.

Jack Benny once played the strange looking aunt.
Jack Benny once played the strange looking aunt.

 

And these are the nuts that come from Brazil. Really.  Brazil nuts. Yum Yum.
And these are the nuts that come from Brazil. Really. Brazil nuts. Yum Yum.

 

Another reason I love Brazil is because of the movie of the same name by Terry Gilliam from 1985.  This dystopian satire rails against bureaucracy gone mad and made all powerful.    The movie is wonderfully crazy, romantic and tragic.  I recommend it.

In the scene I have included in the video below, the Government has issued a warrant for the arrest of one Mr. Archibald Tuttle for committing acts of terrorism against building plumbing and air ducts.  Unfortunately, while the arrest warrant was being printed, a fly falls into the printer and causes it to misprint the name as Archibald Buttle.    The video now takes you to the home of Archibald Buttle just before Christmas………

Haha.  I love it when the wife is asked to sign a receipt for her husband!  Wonderfully bureaucratic.

And did you hear that tune at the beginning of the video? That’s another reason I love Brazil…. the wonderful song called Aquarela de Brasil or Watercolours of Brazil which was written by Ary Barroso in 1939.  i love the infectious rhythm.

The  English lyrics are as follows:

Brazil
The Brazil that I knew
Where I wandered with you
Lives in my imagination.

Where the songs are passionate,
And a smile has flash in it,
And a kiss has art in it,
For you put your heart in it,
And so I dream of old Brazil

Where hearts were entertaining June,
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured “someday soon”
We kissed and clung together,
Then tomorrow was another day
The morning found me miles away
With still a million things to say

Now when twilight dims the sky above,
Recalling thrills of our love,
There’s one thing I’m certain of;
Return I will
To old Brazil.

Enjoy the song which was also the theme song for the movie, Brazil.

Where Babies Come From


Regular readers of this blog will know that my chosen profession is that of “mad scientist”.  Now, while no one seems to dispute the “mad” part, some of you continue to doubt my scientific credentials.  So I have decided to demonstrate my scientific prowess with this post on some fascinating scientific discoveries made with through the magic of statistics.  For an earlier post on a similar topic, go to 100% of All Statistics.   Here are some interesting scientific facts…….

Storks deliver babies.

We have all heard the old wives’ tale that storks deliver babies.  Scientists had previously tried to explain babies by some obscure reference to birds and bees but now it seems the old wives were right.   Research in Germany demonstrate that the drop in the numbers of babies born is correlated to the number of nesting storks.  Clearly, when there are less storks, they can’t deliver as many babies.

From Sies, H. Nature (1988) 332:495.
From Sies, H. Nature (1988) 332:495.

 

Butter is Better

From Spurious Correlations (http://www.tylervigen.com/)
From Spurious Correlations (http://www.tylervigen.com/)

I think we can all agree that butter tastes better than margarine.  The research above shows that margarine is also a leading cause of divorce – as margarine consumption dropped, so did the divorce rate.  While the reason for this correlation is still debated, a leading theory is that most husbands prefer butter and resent being forced by their wives to eat margarine instead.  The resentment will build and grow until there is an argument over money or the kids or the mistress but it all started with margarine.  So remember, butter oils the marriage better.

 

Dangers of the Internet

We have all been warned about the dangers of the internet but honestly, it has been too much fun for us to take the warnings seriously.  However, it can no longer be ignored.

From "From Quarks to Quasars" (http://www.fromquarkstoquasars.com/correlation-vs-causation/)
From “From Quarks to Quasars” (http://www.fromquarkstoquasars.com/correlation-vs-causation/)

Hmmmm.  Let’s just say that it might be a good idea to start using Chrome or Firefox instead.

And finally,……….

Sweet Success

Screen-Shot-2012-11-20-at-4.46.58-PM1
(Image credit: New England Journal of Medicine) Franz H. Messerli, M.D.                                                                             N Engl  J Med 2012; 367:1562-1564

This last one is really relevant to me.  I have been trying for years to win a Nobel Prize but now I know that I have not been eating enough chocolates.  This graph is interesting in that the correlation is good for all countries except Sweden and Germany.  This can be easily explained.  Sweden has higher number of Nobel laureates than their chocolate consumption would indicate but then, let’s remember that the selection committee is based in Sweden (enough said!  Don’t want to prejudice my chances of winning).  And Germany’s poor performance?  Perhaps the result of too many hangovers from Oktoberfest?

So in summary, don’t let the storks roost, eat butter, use Firefox and gorge yourself on chocolates.  I hope knowing these scientific truths will help you improve your lives.

Editor’s Note:  This parody post was inspired by the website Spurious Correlations which was recently featured on the BBC.  This and other sources seek to demonstrate that correlation does not mean causation.  And oft quoted example is that there is a correlation between the rise in ice cream sales in a city with an increase in drowning incidents in swimming pools.  A spurious conclusion would be that eating ice cream increases your chance of drowning.  In actual fact, people tend to eat more ice cream during a heatwave.  The heatwave will also cause more people to go swimming which in turn will result in a higher incident of drowning.